Ready to Evolve your Parenting?
I’m sitting on a sandy river beach watching my 8 year old son swim. Near by is a young family packing up to leave. The sun has set and it’s probably nearing bedtime for their young child. Mom and dad each encourage the little guy out of the water while also corralling their toddler.
The boy is resistant. “No!” is his clear response. Parents take turns engaging him, their body language becoming increasingly more forceful – standing legs spread, hands on hips. The boy stands his ground stronger as well, balling his hands into fists, scowling through his no’s.
Finally, dad throws up his hands and said: “that’s it, we’re leaving”. A classic last straw effort from the old story parenting playbook. The threat to be left behind while the family leaves is a powerful one that plays on a child’s deepest fears.
As a parent I know the impulse to leverage fear to motivate and control. No doubt it has been a long, fun day. Everybody is tired, maybe hungry. The bedtime routine is still to come and if we’re lucky and the kids go down easy we may get a few minutes of quiet before we too fall into bed. Dealing with a big emotional upset on the beach with other people around adds another layer to the day that we can hardly muster the energy to deal with.
The impulse to play the fear card can arise in our most exhausted, frustrated moments. Old default patterns from childhood get stirred up from our subconscious and the words are out of our mouth before we’ve thought them through.
As mom and dad turn away and begin trudging up the sandy hill I watch the boy. He holds his stance a moment longer, chin quivering. Then he lets out a long shuddering sigh, steps out of the water and follows his parents up the hill.
I feel for the tired parents too and remember a time in my own parenting when I didn’t know there was another way. I want to tell them that they can sit down there on the edge of sand and water and allow their son to collapse into his feelings and simply listen. I want to show the way for partnering with him, mourning the leaving of the beach together, validating his feelings of sadness.
I want to assure them that if they give space for him to feel all that he is feeling regardless of other people watching, regardless of how messy and emotional it could get, that it would support his brain to develop strong and healthy. Culturally it would contribute to changing the mythos that boys should keep their tears and emotions tucked away.
I want to share my own countless experiences listening to my children’s emotions fully, holding space for them to come undone, witnessing them come to the end of big feelings and return to themselves happier and lighter. I want to tell them that bedtimes after emotional storms have been listened to almost always go easy. Most of all I want to offer this mom and dad a space to express their own fears, worries, and emotions about the challenges of parenting in today’s world.
Many have lamented the loss of the village and its impact on parenting. Our world can feel like a soup of disconnection where we interact within structures and institutions that treat us as parts separate from the whole. Families isolated from one another and struggles and challenges often kept behind closed doors to avoid the shame, guilt, and further isolating idea that if I was a better parent this would not be happening.
At the same time many of us are realizing we are on the edge of a paradigm shift. One foot placed in the old story of disconnect and separation and the other stepping down into the new story of connection and interdependence. Our kids are calling us to step into this shift, release the old-paradigm tools based on ‘power over’ dynamics and embrace a new paradigm ‘power with’ approach.
Recall a moment from your own childhood when your emotions felt too big. Who was there? How did they respond? What did that teach you about expressing your feelings?
Think of a recent moment with your child (or inner child) where you felt the pull to control. What would it look like to pause and listen instead?